.deep procrastination

Aye yo, homie! You heard dat? Dem voices? o.O


I shooould be STARTING my 5-6 paged essay on Ruth Bader Ginsburg (i wrote down Gingrich on my syllabus lol) and it should be done before 7! Hmm... I'm going to get started after this blog entry. I was up until 5 in the morning, with a blank Microsft Word document minimized since 11pm. Playing with the litte mini-games I downloaded, playing Sim City 4000 and destroying my cities without saving. It's 3 o'clock right now. I have 4 hours left. . . See, I just googled the lady. She's the second woman ever to sit in the United States Supreme Court. Ha! I'm doing something productive. So, my professor doesn't want when she was born or any other boring stuff. Fill up pages filled with her accomplishments. I was going to blog about young girls and older men and vise versa and so forth, but gotta get this done... *lingers & ponders* Hmm... Ok. Ok. I'm getting off.

*clicks publish post & googles some more*

- rawr, bby

.love letter

Top of the Mornin' To Yuur.

Dear Myself,

Never gave it much thought until the moment worth caught

Worthr Moment Caught

ught

ht

Caught in oblivious neglect of the now conscious sweet threat

Threat that wraps the mind into an unfamiliar bind

Bind was once a tight rope that left nothing but misled hope

Hope seen while blind as if there were such a kind

Kind of fatal temptation to a morbid sensation

Sensation now a warm, bright light compared to previous fights

Fights of a battered heart against a confused art

Art of tempting beauty left a cut which gave everything but

But this bind that is fresh feels natural within the flesh

Flesh belonged to the once beast who does not want to be released

Released from this notion of what most call devotion

Devotion of this beautiful seed with plenty of flawed features

Features in and out, this stunning bud began to sprout

Sprout pride and unique grace as this blossom shines beyond the face

Face the generation, myself, as you are an inspiration.

Love, Myself.

* this was written for my little brother who's my inspiration. Graphic also by me. . . love it. I really need to write down resources and stuff. I'm going to search for the stocks on deviantart once I get home from class. Now, I showed this poem to my mom and my sister, both who don't have a creative bone in their body. Both said it was 'good' and kept it moving. Where in the world did I get my creativeness from? lol. Well, my sister wanted me to send it to her and I guess it's to show off to her friends how 'genius' her little sister is. I'm not complaining. = )

In other news, guess who's a producer of a dance team! I is!! lol. I'm quite honored and surprised, really. I know nothing about dancing like that, but I'm all up for it. Yay ! The dance crew is called Ghost C.R.E.W.E. and my best friend's fiancee, who's one of the dancers, asked me to be apart of them and be PRODUCER! . . . now question is: How do you produce for a dance crew? (googles)

- rawr, love yourself & dance for your life

.creation

By Hand. & My Heart Stills Beats In The Hands of Another.

I just made this a few minutes ago. It took me a few hours in Photoshop CS4. I should have timed it and scribbled down credits =/. . . You know, I've never been really hardcore religious, but I do think there is something out there. Something bigger than us. I think that something just has to be a woman. What DOES a rabbit & hiding flamboyant-painted eggs have to do with Jesus?

Hmm, I've been pretty up-beat for a few days. I think it has to do with this guy (yeah, i know) that's I've known for some time now. He's taken, so that's hands-off for me, but it' just something about him. I know I said that about the other dude, but the thing is I feel something just different about the other one.

Funny story with this dude. I never paid much attention nor mind to him when we first met. Just adorable I found him, but a tad bit annoying. Now, when my very close friend wanted dibs on him, I have gotten very protective. It was like I was protecting my property. I could not tell her why I didn't want her dating him, but I figured it out after a few minutes. . . I liked him. Blah! He wasn't someone I would actually go about dating since I can't STAND a man who can't form sentences. A few days later, saw him with a random female. You know how when you fall for someone, you can tell when they are in love with someone else? I've experienced that and I panicked. So I told him how I felt via Myspace (never again), but he only saw me as a friend. I was okay with that until it just began to eat me up on the inside. I tried avoiding him, but he ended up physically whereever I just pushed him out mentally. "Nothing would change," he said. Maaan, was he wrong. The closer we got, the more my emotions got the best of me. Here I am, pining over two dudes I can never have. . . YET! = ) I still have my hopes. We'll see, right?

- rawr, Happy Early Easter.

.broken

The heart's shatter was so intense where the body was numb to all pain.

So, it's broken. I should have known. I should have known better. I just felt as though as I was led on, but he did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. I should have never fallen for anyone where they never believed that you liked them. So, no more posts about him, but my mind would take a while to erase him. Probably never happen. He was the best that's ever happened to me and it was never physical. Just mental and emotional. I should have realized it when he began to distance. Now I'm by myself. . . again. Not in a writing mood anymore. =/

- rawr

.when a door shuts in your face,

KICK THAT B*TCH DOWN!

I'm seriously tired of waiting for that door that opens when one is shut. I'm taking my life in my OWN hands. I'm tired of letting my mother control me. Either she wants me to grow up or stay that frightened child. I'm choosing right in between, without the frightened part of course. I will forever be a kid inside, no matter what. Right now, I looking for a job. I need to get out of this place. I will NOT allow anyone make anymore decisions for me. I'm going back to Del State and live out my dreams. I will become a band director, where I can be around kids who were just like me while growing up. I can teach them that music can be their happiness when they feel there is nothing else out there for them. I will do whatever in my power to make them feel like they matter and that they have purpose.

- rawr, simba's back.

.and then i asked,

"Why are these females so DUMB?"

As most would know, I'm nosy. There's no way around it. I'm the most quietest person until you get to know me. You see, being quiet is mostly a tactic. I'm really listening in on your conversation, locking it into my brain. I learn a lot that way. So, anyways, I'm sitting in a hallway, sitting on this bench with my laptop, waiting for the Sims 2 to load (I'm a HUUUUGE fan). Suddenly, I hear this soft, kinda childish voice. It was another girl who was on the other end of the hallway on her cellphone. She was talking to her boyfriend, but what got me was the fact that she was telling her boyfriend not to talk to her in a certain way. Why in the world are you STILL talking to the dude if he's being disrespectful? Hang UP! She's busy crying up a storm, telling him to stop and that he was a creep. HANG UP! She's like, "I'm not stupid. Don't talk to me that way. You're a horrible boyfriend." I almost got up to take the phone from her and would of hung it up myself. Why do females stay in relationships like that? = ( It hurts my heart yet it makes me angry at both parties. Whoever that dude was, he was lucky I don't know him. I would have slapped him myself for being an asshole to someone who cares about him. I HATE MEN! >=| !

- rawr

.a little deeper

But No Where Near The Core

So, I've been a little down lately. That's under exaggerating, but eh. Someone once told me, "Anything worth having never comes easy." Yeah, I know. Toughest thing I'm learning... School has always been an issue to me. I know I'm smart. I know I can do it... I just get discouraged, is all. Where is it coming from? At home, really (another post, another day). Every little thing bugs me, but I just hide it. I don't show it. But, it's true when you just hide everything in you, it builds up and disaster explodes. I have my moments where I'm over the top, happy-go-lucky, but I'm hurting. When I see a happy couple or the bestest of best friends, I just want to throw rocks at them. Maybe that's my problem? I just need someone close to me. Just someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone like that anymore... I know some are trying, but I'm just not comfortable and when I am ready to talk about, they've given up on me already. Only person I really want to talk to I'm afraid of approaching. . . Well, everything will be just be wonderful in the end right? Work hard. Chin up. No worries... wish it was that easy to just snap out of this.

- rawr